Doggers, why's your eyes's closers?

~Actual quote, in real time, from my husband to my dog.


This is a picture of my in-laws' dog, Bear. Isn't he sweet?


This is a picture of my dog. Doesn't she look like she's saying, "Daddy, fuck off?"

Sorry this posting is photo heavy, but I haven't used any in most of my recent posts and I was going through withdrawal. Why the hell am I explaining myself to a computer screen anyways? But Blogger, you seem so real...so very real, with your soft touch and inexplicable ability to bring me to orgasm...oh, Blogger, would that I weren't married!

I've been in the closet long enough!

Peyton Manning
Originally uploaded by mmoster.

Its time I'm honest with you all. I know you never thought you'd hear this from me, but its true. I, Melissa Marie Moster, am a football fan. More specifically, I'm a Colts fan and I want to have quarterback Peyton Manning's babies. In case you didn't know, Manning just broke Dan Marino's record for most touchdown passes. (Marino: 48, Manning: 49)
And guess who was there to see him do it?? Thats right, yours truly was in the stands to see the fateful pass to Brandon Stokely in a sweet 21-yd post pattern pass. Seriously, I nearly creamed my panties. This pic of Peyton is from the game, just as he gets Stokely in his sights. How beautiful the moment was. Peyton Manning, not a genius, not a gifted writer or actor. But truly, Peyton Manning turns football into a graceful art that we cannot help but admire. And so my darling Peyton, this drink is for you.

Sheepishly...

Its been so long since I've blogged, that I'm feeling nervous about it. Its like you've had a big sex drought, and now its performance time. I feel like I've forgotten how to ride this horse. Be gentle, I'm easing into telling the holiday stories and posting new pics w/ the newly acquired digital cameral. Soon, I promise little jellybean, very soon...

For Your Entertainment.

Last night, whilst playing Trivial Pursuit and drinking glass after glass of wine, I made a joke. I thought you all might enjoy it:
One of the questions was What act was banned from the Miss America Pageant in 1967?
My initial reaction was that it was fellatio. (Obviously I was expecting this to be wrong) But then I turned the card over, and the real answer was Animal Acts.
Imagine, Miss Idaho's surprise in 1968 as she brings out her donkey, Shep, and prepares to have him take her with his huge donkey cock, only to be told that Animal Acts were banned the year before!

Merry Christmas to all!

I nearly died...

So, lots and lots of snow. Driving over to the father-in-laws house and we nearly died. There were 2 cars off the side of the road. We were going 25 mph, and I still hyperventilated twice and cried a handful of times. Needless to say, Brent did not find this helped his driving. But, luckily, I lived.
Amusing sidenote: Last night, whilst driving in Liberty I was pulled over for the dozenth time. Apparently I was driving in the middle of the road. But, for the dozenth time, I didn't get a ticket. Thanks be to god for being a young attractive female. I'll try to keep this updated as I travel about for the holidays.
Love you all!

Dang is not a bad word!!!

So once again, despite our pledge not to, we went to the grandparents moster family Christmas. They're all republicans, not intelligent ones either, so when Bush won, I swore we would not attend this year. (It was the only proactive revenge I could come up with) But we went to pick up my little sister who is spending the week with us.

We woke our asses up early at 10:30 am (don't judge, its called vacation!) and loaded into the car for the 2 and a half hour drive to Brookville. We didn't eat breakfast, so we were starving when we got there. Unfortunately, the food was way crappier than usual. Cold, gelatinous gravy on flavorless, lumpy potatoes. Yum. Bean dip was served as a side dish, and we're still not sure if that was turkey or chicken.

My grandmother, in case you're wondering, has still not plucked the chin hairs growing out of her moles. Brent kept threatening, on the drive over, to reach down by her belly button and tweak her nipples. He also made lots of other gross references involving her vaginal fluids and lunch. Oh, grandma, you old hag you.

However, we try to be nice to these people b/c the grandparents have millions. Literally. Not that any of that translates into good presents. They're cheap as fuck, which is how they got the millions. (We got free coasters from Caeser's palace for a wedding present, to give you a clue) Anyways, we try to be nice.

So there we are being nice, and my freaky ass cousins with their myriad speech impediments kept trying to engage us in conversation. When Brent first met them, he thought they were all Austrian. Imagine Schwarzenegger w/ a lisp, and that's pretty accurate. They're also all religious freaks. Once again, Brent was told by an Austrian lisper to watch his language b/c there were children around. (Dang is not a bad word!) Seriously, I don't know how they will ever get laid. At my sister's wedding, they used the free cameras to take pictures of their butts and noses. Who will sleep with people like this? How do you even begin to warp your children to turn out like this?

I'm sure you're all dying for a picture to go along with this post, but fear not, I'm a digging through the albums. Look for one tomorrow. And so, fair friends, I bid you adieu, adieu, adieu, to you and you and you. Goooood Byyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee!
PS--Bonus friend points to whomever can pinpoint the reference I just made.

Sketchy? I'm not sketchy!!!

You are 71% Sketchy

How sketchy are you?

Lipstick, Lipstick, Lipstick

Well, last night I hung out with the new kids in my life. Had a grand old time getting wasted off a multitude of liquors. Started with the new vodka, Svedka, then switched to whiskey, then onto the rum. Came home, went right back to vodka.
We were planning on taking the bus over there, you know being responsible drinkers and all, but the fuckheads did not show up. I called to see if they were just running a little late, and the guy said the driver had already been through there. We were out there early, and we saw no bus! Dude must have left like 15 minutes early. I'm expecting a call from a superviser on Monday. This is the 4th time this semester that his has happened! I'm getting sick of it.
But i'll complain later...so last night was fun. I've been feeling really lonely lately, and these kids really lifted my spirits. Woohoo! People who listen to me talk, I love it! Turns out Allison has a special fondness for Addams Family Values. Just up my alley! She even made us all be quiet when the campers do their play. :-) (It's pretty entertaining for those of you who haven't seen it.) We loved and lived, laughed and played...twas a grand night for this debutante. Discussed the time I tipped the bong over to see the pretty bottom, mormons and decolletage. Quite the affair, no?
Final Thoughts:
Just remember, you owe me dinner. Over an 1" thick.

Well, pa, I think its time to come in now.

What will it take to save this man's soul? Perhaps another ounce or two of chaw spittle in the beard. Or mayhap, we can find an even sillier stone and make him hold that. Toothpicks in his ears, a dog on his lap, magnifying glass taped to his forehead. The lord visited me last night and tole me and tole me that its my job to save this man. The lord likes to be handing out projects, always, keeping us busy. But lord, did you ever stop to think i don't want to be busy? I like the laziness. I will not save this man. Find someone else's nipples to rub this guy's beard on.

Cum now, you can't be serious!

I stumbled on this website today, and its incredibly fun! Its not a porn website, but rather a place where funsters like you and I can offer suggestions for altering real movie titles into a porn title. After the suggestions for the movie selected for the day are in, you get to vote on the best. Let me give you a few examples:

FAHRENHEIT 9/11
 Fair 'n' Tight Anal Heaven
Farrah's Tight, I'm in Heaven
Aaron Slides Fine in Devon

My ol' fave: CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG--this one is pretty much a giveaway
Titty Titty Gang Bang
 Tittie Tittie Poon Tang
Hmm, seems one is missing, can you guess it?

BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON
 Big Tit Hoes: Pledge of Pleasin'
Bridget Bones: For no Reason
  Midget Ho's: Spread for Pleasin'

THE LEGEND OF BAGGAR VANCE
The Erection in Bagger's Pants
The Big End Of Bagger's Lance
The Pleasure of Bangin' Snatch ( I THINK THIS IS AN OUTLIER)

For more fun, click on the title of this blog and you'll go straight to this website. Offer up a few of your own suggestions, browse the archives. A good time will be had by all!

Sad.

I am really sad today. Too sad to even begin to look for a picture to go with this text. Nobody died, we aren't homeless, and I didn't just suddenly grow an extra elbow. There is no one particular reason, just lots of little reasons. :-(

I stole this quiz from the blog of another.

You are a Dubliner.


What's your Inner European?
brought to you by Quizilla

Vote!!

Was He Gay?
I'll let you decide. Read the previous post and then vote. Was Lincoln gay?
	Yes
	No
	This Poll by mmoster
Click here to view results

Could it be true?

Was Lincoln gay? That is the subject of a new book by a Mr. C.A. Tripp, a former student of Alfred Kinsey. The evidence he offers is compelling, but none so much as a humorous ballad that Lincoln penned in 1829. Here it is, let me know what you think:

I will tell you a Joke about Jewel and Mary

It is neither a Joke nor a Story

For Rubin and Charles has married two girls

But Billy has married a boy

The girlies he had tried on every Side

But none could he get to agree

All was in vain he went home again

And since that is married to Natty

So Billy and Natty agreed very well

And mama’s well pleased at the match

The egg it is laid but Natty’s afraid

The Shell is So Soft that it never will hatch

But Betsy she said you Cursed bald head

My Suitor you never Can be

Beside your low crotch [slang for big penis] proclaims you a botch

And that never Can serve for me

I'm annoyed already!

If you click on the title of this post, you will be re-directed to a BBC article about the airlines un-banning cell phone use. Ok, cell phones. Yes, I have one and have had one for the past 3 years. I even enjoy my cell phone for the communication it allows me as well as for my blessed tetris game that keeps me entertained when I wait in line. They are, indeed, handy devices during an emergency or if you drive a beater that is prone to breakdowns. Its a safety thing, to some extent.

Unfortunately, cell phone users have gone beyond annoying to downright rude. Let me give a few examples of when it is just unacceptable to use the cell phone:
1)CLASS--This may sound like fiction, but a friend recently told me of a person who not only forgot to turn their phone off during class, but also took the call when it did ring! He did step outside of the classroom, but he still answered it!
2)MOVIES--I was at the movies when a man directly behind me got a call. Again, I assumed he would silence it and would be ashamed he hadn't remembered to shut it off in the first place. WRONG. The butthole took the call and talked for 5 minutes straight in a very loud voice!!!
3)BUS--I have witnessed this on several occasions. Especially on the Bloomington Buses at peak times, this is annoying. I have to sit, practically in your lap, smell your cologne/perfume, AND listen to you plead with daddy that you need money for clothing??? Shut up already!
4)WHILE PAYING A CASHIER--You can get away with doing this a few times, but it cannot become routine. A cashier is a human being as well and they deserve to be treated as such. They are not a robot there for your convenience. They already have a crappy job, don't relegate them to a level where they deserve no interaction. Do what I do if you like to chat on the way to pick up a pack of cigarettes: put the phone in your pocket. You needn't hang up, just tell the other person to hang on for a sec. Trust me, this gesture goes a long way in helping someone else have a more positive day.

So, now they're looking into allowing cell phones on planes. Just keep this is mind: DON'T DO IT! I, as your seat buddy, DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR CONVERSATIONS. It could also be a potentially dangerous move. If you sit next to someone already irritated, you run the risk of having your annoying conversation be the proverbial straw that breaks the back. For safety's sake, stay off the phone.

Now that I've said my piece, take from it what you will. Hopefully you already follow these rules, but if you don't, its never to late to start. Remember that when you break them, people like myself will judge you harshly.

Liberty Series: 1

Liberty, IN map
Originally uploaded by mmoster.

Liberty is a town located in Union County, Indiana. Population: approximately 2,100

Racial makeup: 98.30% White
0.39% African American
0.29% Native American
0.19% Asian
0.00% Pacific Islander
0.19% from other races
0.63% from two or more races
0.44% hispanic

48.8% are married couples living together
12.0% have a female householder with no husband present
36.1% are non-families--I LIKE THE IDEA OF THIS

The average household size is 2.33 and the average family size is 2.94.

The median age is 37 years. For every 100 females there are 87.9 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there are 79.3 males.

The median income for a household in the town is $30,296, and the median income for a family is $35,817.
MAJOR DISPARITY HERE:Males have a median income of $31,038 versus $20,430 for females.

INSERT REALLY SAD FACT: The per capita income for the town is $15,440.
INSERT ANOTHER REALLY SAD FACE:
11.0% of the population and 8.2% of families are below the poverty line.

Well, La-Di-Da to you too!

Courthouse
Originally uploaded by mmoster.

On Saturday, I agreed to meet my mother-in-law Sara, for lunch. We would also be meeting:

BARB: Sara's ex-sister-in-law, Brent's dad's sister

TARA:Barb's daughter, I graduated w/ her

BETTY: a teacher Sara worked with when she taught in the Liberty school system

LIZ: Betty's daughter

I was supposed to be Sara's daughter since she only had sons. I figured it would be a bit weird, this gathering of women all from my hometown, but I had no idea!! To begin with, there were about 6 or 7 other women there, most connected, or previously connected, to Liberty Elementary School. It was seriously fucked up! The gossip was flying so fast I could hardly keep up with who was the 'fat, toothless bitch' and who was the pregnant one whose "face was just starting to get fat. Isn't that so sweet?" The rumors were a'flyin, along with the cavalier racism that most liberty folks retain. (Can you believe her son moved in two doors down from MEXICANS and thinks he's in a good neighborhood??)
But, generally I survived by mostly listening. This state could not last, I knew. Eventually they would turn their interest to me. I SHOULD HAVE: just kept the story simple: I was a grad student at IU. If they asked what I was studying, I should have lied and said I was in nursing or something. Something simple they can understand, where the title of the degree is also the title of the job.
I SHOULD NOT HAVE: told them I was a grad student at IU in SPEA, but I'm not going to finish the program because I am not happy with it. Nor should I have followed up with the plan to get my PhD in Lit and be a college professor.
Alas, I was not thinking, so when the old secretary asked what I was doing now, I told her exactly what I shouldn't have. And, do you know what she said?
"Well, la-di-da!"
She followed up with, 'whats wrong with high school english? that's what my daughter-in-law teaches' LA-DI-DA??? What the fuck, bitch? I'm sorry my desire to live up to my own expectations for myself is somehow insulting to your family who settled for less. LA-DI-DA?? Have you ever in your life had anyone say that to you? Butthole.
But, I'm ok with this. Really, its my fault for not planning a version of my life they could understand and, in some way, relate to their own. Next time, I'll be prepared with fake baby pics and a fake business card for my fake hair salon business. sigh...small town, middle america...

My charge for you: Leave a note describing your own experiences with the phrase 'la-di-da'. I'd love to hear about it.

PS-thats a pic of the local courthouse.

New Friends!

BFF
Originally uploaded by mmoster.

Its been so so so long since I've had a new friend--since I graduated from Knox, in fact. I'm lucky, as many of you point out, to have a husband whose presence I enjoy. But really, its not a replacement for outside friends with whom you don't have sex. Melissa's been so lonely! Even when I started at SPEA I didn't really meet anyone I just knew was a kindred spirit. (To really drive home the point, i've only been out once all year, and that was with a friend of Brent's from high school.) Don't let this story get you down, however! There is a happy ending as you might have guessed from the title of this post.
On Friday, Brent and I went out with a group of people he knew through his master's program. Honestly, I was doing this mostly to humor him and I wasn't sure I would really have that much fun with a group of people I didn't know at all, but who all knew each other.

(I'm starting a new paragraph b/c I don't want my description of the night to be tainted by any negative feelings.) The people I met were, as a group and individually all incredible! The cast of characters:
Sarah and Pete: They're the married 'it' couple that everyone at SLIS knows and loves. Pete, very similar to Brent. (Similar interests, similar eyeglasses, etc) Sarah, is awesome all the way around. Also, she kept her last name, though her's is somewhat cooler than mine: mercure, mer as in mermaid, cure as in cure for the bird flu to prevent the next pandemic)

Allison: Allison made me feel welcome from the start. I knew I'd like her the minute I saw her. She also has ambitious career plans which made my jaw drop. (i'd tell you what they are, but then, you might not ever be seen again amongst the living)

Fawn: An english and criminal justice major from West Virginia. Nice accent, not too thick, but not disappeared to the point where you know she had to work at it. Curly hair and very friendly. Also hated professor bitchface who made her drive for like 10 hours just to offer the following 'advisor' advice: make a spreadsheet of the classes and figure out which ones you'd like to take.

Nic: the reason I love Nic: When I told Nic I was dropping out of SPEA to pursue the PhD in Lit, he said, (loose translation b/c i was drunk) "Oh that's a great idea!" He even asked what I would like to be my 'specialty' as it were, in the field of Literature. After that reaction, how can you not love the guy?

Tom: Tom left a bit earlier than the rest as he was sick, but he certainly left an impression. He is a huge Maury fan. Seriously! He want's Brent to bring in the autographed pic I have of him into school so he can see it. He also begged me, made me promise that I would watch the re-run on Monday of the Fat Babies episode!!! He's crazy and I love it!

Tom's brother was also there. He's in optemetry school and made everyone take off their glasses so he could have a look at them. Isn't that funny???

So, new friends o' mine, what do you think of my descriptions?
Old friends, don't my new friends sound awesome?? don't be too jealous--I still love you too.

I'll end with this, to memorialize this situation, also to bug shawn:
Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other's gold.

And there you have it folks.

PS--thanks new friends for reading this and putting the counter over 100!!!

Subway is toasting their sandwiches now!!!

In case you didn't know this, my first job was at Subway in my hometown of Liberty. It was and is the only chain restaurant in town. Even after working there, its still my favorite fast food restaurant. But then, when I moved away from home, and a whole new world of sandwich shops were now available to me. Brent happens to really love Quizno's, and I must agree that I do enjoy the toastedness of their sandwiches. But, still, my heartstrings really were tugged by my initial love affair with Subway.
Enter the toasting machine...
Now Subway can toast their sanmiches! I love it. So now it has pretty much everything that Quizno's does, minus the really bitchy manager who always yells at her staff in front of customers. Gone are wait times of 15 minutes when there are only 3 other customers in the store. Ahhah Quizno's! Last laugh is on you.

How bout you smarty pants?

I'm including this picture because these are some cute damn puppies and I wanted to see if you could guess which kid I was. (Hint, I'm not the little boy, thats my brother)

I'm including a link that takes you to a weekly quiz of the news. Lets just find out how much you really know. (btw, I got 7 out of 7--thats the first time i think i've e ever gotten them all correct!) So take the test and leave a comment!!!

It was a bad day, but then...

...I saw this! So I was feeling pretty down today, so I came home cried, talked to my husband and shawn, and they made me feel better. But then I found this! Hamilton college has a varsity streaking club. They even traveled to other colleges to streak there. If you need a pick-me-upper, click on the lighthouse to go to their website. You won't regret it!

Fuck off, you xenophobic motherfuckers!

*Warning* The following blog contains explicit language and may not be suitable for anyone.

Background: My econ professor is an American citizen who is originally from China. As you might have guessed, yes--she has an accent. Sometimes she misprounces words and she doesn't 'speak like an American.'

The problem: The fuckers in my class who can't let go of the fact that she has an accent. They are bitchass buttholes.

The scenario that pushed me over the edge: Class. Today. Imagine it...
I'm sitting in my seat in the far back righthand corner. (So no one can look over my shoulder when I bring my computer to take notes that I sometimes browse the internet as well. Just wanted you to know) So I'm sitting there, and before class starts and Professor Man gets there, the class starts bitching about how she doesn't give out a review guide for the exams. OK YOU ASSHOLE MORONS, THIS IS A REQUIRED CLASS AND THERE ARE FOUR DIFFERENT SECTIONS. ALL THE SECTIONS OPERATE BASICALLY THE SAME. THIS IS NOT PROFESSOR MAN'S DECISION. So before class, they're all ready to mutiny.
Then she gets there, and shit hits the fan. This jerk raises his hand and says, "I just wanted say that I want you to give us a review guide." ARROGANT ASSHOLE. so we discussed the exam and people jumped fucking all over her. Most of the questions were good, but people were buttholes about how they phrased them.
So finally we finished that and started talking about the case study for the day. People were rude throughout the discussion, buth then she made a joke about the new proposed tariffs on textiles that some are calling the 'bra tax.' Maybe i'm a dork, but i thought it was funny. I was surprised to hear my laughter joined by other students. But they were all mocking her. THIS WHORE--FAT ONE--IN THE FRONT EVEN POINTS HER FINGER AT HER, AND SAYS "THE BRA TAX! YOU ARE SO FUNNY" to her i want to respond YOU ARE A XENOPHOBIC WHORE, AND I HOPE YOU DIE. SERIOUSLY.
Let me just say, so you don't think i'm a big nerd who just likes to kiss her teachers ass, that she really does try to make things interesting. For example, when talking about reducing demand and how that affects supply, she talked used the cocaine trade for an example. She makes interesting examples all the time, she is a good professor!!

Conclusion: THE PEOPLE IN MY CLASS SUCK AS HUMAN BEINGS. THEY ARE BIG BUTTHOLES WHO ALL PRETEND TO BE ACCEPTING LIBERALS BUT IN REALITY THEY JUST SUCK.

I'm bitchy today.

Since last week, I've been in high study mode. I had both a Public Management and a Law exam on Thursday. Both professors give study guides that are around 10 pages worth of questions that we need to be prepared for. Seriously, its soooo much memorization, and I suck at memorization. So I had to study like fuck for both of those.
Then on Monday I had an econ case study due...like always I bullshitted my way throught that.
And then today, my research paper for law was due. Lets just say I was up until 3 am working on my appendix and trying to find a few more law review articles to include. I couldn't sleep once I did get to be, so I'm a little crabby right now

But I forgot to mention the most stressful thing that happened this weekend. On Saturday, like a moron, I got a drink from the sink in the bathroom in the middle of the night and I left the water on. Needless to say, it flooded. When we woke up sunday, the ceiling below was falling in--literally. There was plaster all over the floor and I thought the bathtub was going to come crashing through the ceiling. I'll post some pics when we get them developed. Hopefully we won't have to pay for the whole thing. (though either way, I suppose, we won't be paying for it as Brent's mom offered to pick up the tab...I love my mother-in-law!)
But, things are winding down. I just have to finish/start my econ journals and then do the econ final next week. Then I'm done!! Hopefully I'll be nicer by then.

Woo Hoo!

Study time
Originally uploaded by mmoster.

As you may or may not know, I am a very slow paper writer. It can take me up to an hour to write one, double-spaced page. I know, pathetic. So I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to finish my 15-20 page paper for my law class by Tuesday since I didn't start until this afternoon. (I am also really bad about procrastination...)
But, WOO HOO! I have 9 pages done, and only one more case to discuss. Seriously, this is a first for me. I've never been able to write so much in one sitting. Ok, now as a reward, I'm going to go have a drink with my husband.

Oh, wait, I have a bit more to discuss before I post this. Last night B-rent and I talked for three hours straight about everything from serial killers to the things he likes about me as a human being. (We're all over the map, I know) I'm really glad that even after a year of marriage we haven't run out of things to talk about and haven't ceased to be interesting to the other. It was a reaffirmation of the reasons why I married him in the first place.

You might be wondering about this picture...well this would have been my sophomore year when Kate and I were roommates and we were all still Tri Deltas. Well, one night, we all talked about how we had a ton of reading to do, so we met up in our room to study together. You might be also be curious as to why Kate is using a pipecleaner for her 'smile.' Well lets just say she had a bad reaction to having the wisdom teeth pulled and her face got really swollen so she couldn't smile. I have some more explicit pictures that could make an appearance in the future. In fact, there are quite a few awesome Kate pics that could show up here someday...

Do THEY really look like virgins?

The First Twin...sluts?
Originally uploaded by mmoster.

So Bush's abstinence educational programs are flawed, ignorant and damaging. This is according to a report by Representative Waxman (D-CA). He states:
1.Waxman's report said. "The popular claim that condoms help prevent the spread of STDs, is not supported by the data," the program's teacher's manual says.
2.. The FACTS middle school program, developed by Northwest Family Services, says, "Conception, also known as fertilization, occurs when one sperm unites with one egg in the upper third of the fallopian tube. This is when life begins."
3..The Why kNOw curriculum teaches: "Women gauge their happiness and judge their success by their relationships. Men's happiness and success hinge on their accomplishments."

Lets face it, George, your daughters are NOT virgins. In fact, they look kinda slutty. Is that all you teach your own kids? That condoms don't work, so why use them? That making friends will bring them happiness, while a successful career won't? I hope for their sake that you care more about the health and well-being of your own daughters than you care about the daughters of this nation!

As you can see, I'm DISGUSTED. Leave a comment, let's vent together!